Set The Wayback Machine To 1978 Sherman

WayBack 1978
If you haven't noticed by now, I am quite the athelete.

Not.

I've always been "un-athletic". Actually, I don't think that term even comes close to describing how incredibly awkward I am. From my inability to climb that stupid rope in elementary school gym class (ie. Torture And Ridicule For The Very Young) to my feeble attempts at downhill skiing late in my teens, I manage to discover new and dramatic ways to physically embarass myself on numerous occasions.

A rare shot of me upright going downhillI mean, how many people do you know that have given THEMSELVES a black eye?

Yup, I'll admit it. I did.

During a high school outing to Mount Agassiz nearly 30 years ago, I performed an ill-advised maneuver attempting to evade a mogul. Planting my ski pole atop said bump, it simply bounced off and the hilt ricochetted swiftly back into my face. (Around... around the mogul, dummy. Not OVER it....duh)

With a direct hit -- through my ski goggles mind you, into my right eye.

Needless to say, the long bus ride home was spent with a cold can of Coke covering my eye socket. This served two purposes, actually:

1) It helped keep the swelling down
2) It also afforded me cover to hide from the stares and snickering of my fellow classmates.

Not to be undone in the realm of Stupid Ski Tricks, the next year I actually defied gravity and time itself at that same resort. Brashly waving aside offers to join the rest of the class in lessons before tackling the "big hill", I headed up the slope.

Hah! I DATED a Ski Patrol! I could ski!!!

As I descended, I happened to notice that very same class aligned in a neat row about halfway down the slope. Becoming much too cocky for my Severe Awkwardness Syndrome, I lost concentration, crossed my tips and did a PERFECT somersault.

In slow motion.

I even remember seeing the clear blue sky between my skis and thinking Hmmm... that's probably not a good thing...

But the pièce de résistance was my landing.

Smack dab in front of the entire class and instructor.

Who proceeded to applaud. And cheer.

So I gathered up what was left of my skis, poles and various clothing items strewn about a Maureen-shaped imprint in the snow, and gingerly trudged down the remainder of the hill in those Frankenstein-esque ski boots.

Luckily, my only injury this time was a case of Severely Fractured Ego.

19 People would rather be commenting:

Zoe's Dad said...

Sonetimes the ego takes the longest to heal.

I broke my nose, once while waterskiing. Not with the ski--with my knee. The broken ego hurt worse.

Maureen said...

And this from a former ER nurse, so you should know!

Ouch for your nose...I can, as you know, feel your pain.

Aimeslee said...

Ou-wie, way to go. Reminds me of the time I made a patchwork ankle length skirt with a drawstring saist and thought I was so cool. Wore it to school but was still riding the bus then. Did not realize that the long skirt was not that flaring and as I stepped off the last bus step, I ended up falling forward and bam onto the ground. So embarrasing. Never have cared as much for patchwork since then, LOL.

Aimeslee said...

Typo alert on last post: replace saist with WAIST, please and thank you...

Angie said...

Dignity- WHO NEEDS IT?!?!
KEEP BELIEVING

Phoenix5 said...

Oh man! *wipes eyes* I know I shouldn't laugh at this, but your description of the somersault had me laughing sooo hard! Very well written!

Canadian flake said...

okkkkk I am not laughing at the images this story is giving me...

honest I'm not...

Wellllll maybe just a bit..lmao.

Can I still come back?? LMAO

Sweet Irene said...

I am really sorry, but you described that so well, that I am sitting here snickering. Guffawing. Hee, hee, hee.

You sound just like me, I am just such a clumsy person like that, and I am sure that it's the wiring in my brain that is faulty.

I gave my older sister hours of pleasure by being clumsy and, therefor, very hilarious.

Dorky Dad said...

You sound like me skiing. Actually, you sound like me. Are you me?

Kathy said...

I'm with Angie. Dignity is so overrated. Besides, look at all the laughs you've given us. Your pain is our reward.

Curly Glamour Girlie said...

Yikes. See, this is why I don't do things like skiing!

I am however an incurable clutz. My mother calls me "Grace" when I trip over something and as a child I wasn't allowed to pour beverages at my aunt's house.

Momo Fali said...

Some of my most embarrassing moments have been on skis. And, the only time I ever peed my pants laughing was watching someone else make an ass of himself on a ski slope.

toners said...

LOL!! Nattie just started skiing this year and already has the bruises to prove it :)

VE said...

I've broken several bones now skiing...none when I was actually skiing. First time a hand when I slipped down the stairs coming out of the bar. Second time was a month ago when I slipped on ice getting a hot dog at lunch. Tell you what, let's never double-date at the ski slope...it would be too much for humanity.

The Egel Nest said...

The only black eye I ever had came from a snow ball to the face thrown by a very strong girl...

She felt bad for years...

I'll bet she still has flashbacks...


Bradley
The Egel Nest

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh dear this post brought back some painful memeories! I once wishboned myself to a stop and ended up with a ski suit full of snow. You are this week's wordless Wednesday winner by the way!

Maureen said...

Aimeslee: Ouch! I can understand your aversion to patchwork now…

Phoenix5: Aw, thanks. It is MUCH funnier now, 30 years later!

Canadian Flake: That’s okay to laugh; and yes, you are always welcome… ;)

Sweet Irene: Glad I could put a smile on your face, just as you did for your sister!

Dorky Dad: Oh GAD I hope not!!!!!! ;)

Kathy: “Your Pain Is Our Reward”… sounds like a good tag line for some pharmaceutical company.

Curly Glamour Girlie: Poor “Grace!” I am sorry, but I just had to laugh at that vision of you at your aunt’s house…

Momo Fali: OMG… peed your pants in Winter??? Now THAT would be uncomfortable!

Toners: I hope you have health insurance.

VE: Ouch! But coming out of the bar? Now I can’t feel sorry for you for that one… and yes, if we were at the hill together, they would definitely need the ambulances on standby…

Bradley: I’ll bet she had a crush on you… ;)

DJ: Yikes! You’re lucky a suit full of snow was all it caused! Oh Hoorah and Three Cheers! I Won!!!! Thank you so much… I shall put the award up on my bling page today!!! Thanks!

Vegas Princess said...

I am totally accident prone. I take after my father. Between us we have broken nine bones, had over 350 stitches, countless sprains, muscle pulls, black eyes, torn ligaments etc. SO I understand where you are coming from. However, knowing my pitfalls I would NEVER have the guts to get on a ski slope. You've got kahoneys my dear!

jp said...

Harrowing tales of the slopes, Maureen! Glad you weren't injured!

But I can't believe you're any less athletic than me. My gym teacher used to call me "physically unfit". I was always the last one to get picked for teams and he'd bribe kids, "Come on...someone has to take her!"

Humiliating, I dare say!

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